MEET AMANDA

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My story begins like everyone, I was born. I spent the few years of my life in the hospital away from my family. This would lead to severe abandonment and attachment issues when I was older as I never bonded with my parents. I place no blame on my mom for this. My mom was young and had my brother at home that needed to be cared for. When I was healthy enough to come home, I was introduced into a family with ties to organized crime.  My father was exceptionally abusive, on all levels, towards my mom, my brother and I. He would later begin a life of hard drugs and insist my mom partake. My mom almost overdosed when I was 7 or 8. The things that transpired and I witnessed were not for the faint of heart. My mom attempted to move us away, however, he always found us and the results were not so pleasant. During this time my brother and I were left to our own devices for the most part while we watched our parents fall into destruction. My paternal grandmother passed away and my father 6 months after her when I was about 10.  This freed us from this lifestyle and we moved far away from those individuals and were able to start over. 

From 10 to 13, life was typical for me. On July 2, 1996 at the age of 14, my world would crash and fall apart. I was woken up by my mom after coming home late from a Canada day celebration I was at with my 17 year old  brother. She told me that there was an accident and she was waiting for confirmation from my uncle on whether it was my brother Shaun or not. I will never forget that day when my uncle came tearing down the dirt driveway and jumping out of the truck. He could barely speak and somehow made it to my mom to catch her as she fell in disbelief. This pivotal point in life changed everything for me.  

I chased death after that and made some poor decisions and heavily started using drugs and alcohol. Due to the nature of giving up on life, it resulted in me being in bad situations time and time again.  Between 14 and 18 I would be raped several times, the worst being held down with a knife and left on a dirt road covered in my own blood. An elderly couple had found me and taken me to the hospital. I often think about their generosity and kindness to this day. When I was 16 I ended up getting pregnant, I was not in a good place and was an alcoholic drug user. I made the decision to have an abortion, a decision that haunts me to this day and affects me to my core.  

When I was 18, I started to look at spiritual matters and I met my husband. He showed me that there was more to life and I got involved in a Guardianship that would shape the very fabric of my reality.  I got off the drugs and slowed my drinking. In May 2001 I found out I was pregnant again. This time I was 7 months pregnant and therefore I was about to become a mom whether I liked it or not. I contemplated adoption due to my lifestyle and feeling like I was inadequate to be a mom.  On August 5, 2001 I gave birth to my daughter and the moment I held her for the first time, it was this feeling of love that I had never experienced and I made the conscious decision to turn my life around. She became my guiding star and reason for living and I no longer chased death. 

In 2003 I gave birth to my son. My husband and I separated shortly after having my son as I was suffering postpartum depression. I was having issues being sober and dealing with the aftermath of the past in which I had lived.  After the birth of my son I dove in head first and deep dived into my psyche. I had therapists and counselors and worked through a great deal of trauma. I enrolled and completed spiritual courses on spiritual matters and also went back to school and finished high school and enrolled in college. 

In 2005 my husband approached me about entering an open relationship.  With school, kids and my spiritual studies, I really didn't have time for others. However, I agreed and therein started my journey into the realm of ethical non monogamy.  My husband's goal was to have two women and develop into a three way relationship with all parties consenting.  We had some crazy experiences and relationships throughout the duration of our relationship. In 2011 we would finally get married on our 11th anniversary. In 2017 my husband approached me about  polyamory.  I was unsure about it and went through some turbulent emotions while I tried to figure out what was wrong with me and why my husband always wanted other women. This resulted in my  diving even deeper into my psyche and coming to the realization that these were my issues and mine alone. That someone else can not make you feel anything. It would take me 2 years to build up my self confidence and self worth. In  2019, I expressed to my husband that I wanted to have my own polyamory relationships and my own friends as the kids were older and didn’t depend on me so much. He encouraged me to put myself out there and so I did. 

Toward the end of 2019 I had developed some great friends, both men and women. My husband was having issues with this. All of a sudden after years of being in an open relationship, he was stating that I could not. He was placing rules on me, such as no male friends and I can only date women. I stated that I didn't have to live a polyamory lifestyle, however, if I couldn't date, then he couldn't either. I explained that it was not easy for me over the years and that he had to do the hard work himself and work through his own insecurities and jealousy.  He refused to work through any of his emotions and also wasn't giving up his other relationships.  We were caught in a checkmate. Either we would move forward together as a polyamourous couple or our relationship would be ending. My husband ended our marriage 2 days before our 21st anniversary. It hurt when my marriage ended as I honestly thought after being in an open relationship since 2005 that working through the insecurities and jealousy was just a part of the process. While I went through the heartbreak and fell into it, I finally understood the saying that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That heartbreak was simply a testament to me,  that my love is true and real and that is something that will never end and can not  be taken away. 

Today I am living life to the fullest.  My daughter and son are thriving and my heart is full. I have lived a life that many would not understand. My past was like a real life Sons of Anchary, but slightly worse. I am providing these details as I feel it's important to be an open book and not hide who I am. My past is simply that, my past. It doesn't define who I am today.  My experiences have given me a very unique outlook on life. My healing and deep diving into my psyche has provided me with connections that would not be possible otherwise. 

I launched Inner Work Connections because through inner work all is possible, And my life is a testament to that inner work journey.  If I can do it, anyone can.